What to expect

Losing a child by far is the worst pain that any parent will ever be faced with in life. The psychological effects of losing a child include anxiety, guilt, depression, constant pain, physical distress and it will also create problems in what once may have been healthy relationships. Some of the effects become manageable but you will never be who or what you once were after the loss of a child.

I have experienced a great deal of loss in my life.  I’ve lost my parents and grandparents but that was in no comparison to the pain I felt with losing my child.  I can recall one night shortly after losing Shae pacing back and forth in my living room for about two hours straight.  I was overcome by tears and emotions because I literally felt that my whole entire world had come to an end. I felt such pain in my heart and I really didn’t think that I could make it through this.  “Why did this happen to her and not me”, “How can I go on”, “What am I supposed to do with my life” were a few of the questions that consumed me for a very long time.  

I couldn’t eat, I had countless nights that I didn’t sleep and I began to push away some of the most important people in my life.  I was falling apart, I had two children that needed me and my health and household was deteriorating right before my eyes. I knew that I had to get it together, not just for those around me but for myself as well.

Acceptance
One day I looked in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw.  I had lost a lot of weight, there were dark circles under my eyes and my hair was extremely dry from lack of nutrients because I wasn’t eating.  I knew that I had to make some changes and fast. I dropped to my knees and asked God to help me in my pain and give me strength to learn to accept things that I couldn’t change.

It was that day that I allowed my mind and heart to accept that this was my new life.  I had to reprogram my thoughts daily in moving forward and coming to terms with my new normal and I had to do the same for my children because I knew they were hurting too.  

I made a conscious decision to take notice of all that was in front of me and be thankful for everything that I still had.   I decided to get the kids and I counseling which helped a great deal and led me to go back to work. These were the strides that were necessary in working towards healing my home and I was up for the challenge.  I learned to take it day by day and relied on my faith in God and love from my children to carry me because I knew this was too much to handle on my own.

Outcome
I am very happy to say that I made it…we made it and I’m still standing and living a pretty good life.  Although a big part of me is in heaven and I will never be the same, I’m proud of the way my family and I have conquered this tragedy and learned that sharing our story is definitely beneficial to others.  

It hasn’t been easy by any means and I still have a lot to work through and learning more each day.  However I’ve adjusted in this new life knowing that my heartache will never leave but my will to sustain happiness and remain positive now takes precedence.  

No one ever said life would be easy but those trials are what strengthens and builds our character.  My advice to you is to stay in prayer, take one day at a time, and fight to maintain your sanity. Sought out happiness as if you were fighting for your life because in a sense you are.

“I am an Angel Mom…don’t judge my path if you haven’t walked my journey”